"Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends" is the seventh episode of the third season of One Tree Hill and the 52nd produced episode of the series. It aired on November 16, 2005. As the fantasy draft dates begin, Brooke finds herself on an unusual double date, while Lucas gets closer to Rachel. Mouth spends time with an old friend and Peyton regrets choices she made with Ellie. Karen and Deb take their campaigning to new heights.
Lucas is interrupted by his alarm clock from a dream where he is sleeping next to Brooke. As he wakes up, Chris Keller hugs him in bed and addresses him as 'baby,' Haley then wakes up with the shock of her dream. As she gets up, she tells Brooke who suggests they make out, waking Nathan up.
As they arrive in school, Brooke confesses she hasn't told Lucas about the boy draft and also tells her that Suburban Filth are thinking of making her designs into a line. As Haley is thrilled, Brooke's excitement soon fades as she finds Rachel and Peyton talking, she has a go as Rachel leaves the table. The team then arrives and asks to find out who picked whom, through a date. As they all depart, and Tim finds out he is devastated he didn't get picked, Nathan agrees to a date with Haley as Brooke admits she didn't pick Lucas and it was Rachel who picked him. Peyton asks Mouth on a date, but he says he is really busy, she can come but it is uncool. But Peyton wants to go. Deb sees Karen and asks her to graffiti Dan's new billboard with her.
As they get ready for their dates, Haley is terrified in case she messes up with Nathan as Brooke tells her she isn't going on a date with Chris Keller. The doorbell rings and Brooke offers to answer as Haley freaks out. She answers the door to find Chris Keller waiting for her. Meanwhile, Rachel goes to pick Lucas up who tells her he is going to see Brooke. She says she was going to help him work out at the river court but agrees to trade officially with Brooke. As the two leave, Brooke is still at the door trying to convince Chris she doesn't want a date with him. As she says no one is going on a date Nathan arrives and finds out about Brooke and Chris. He then tells Haley maybe they shouldn't go as no one else will probably be. Panicking, Haley drags Brooke to one side and threatens her so she goes on the double date with her, Nathan and Chris. As the 4 get in the car, Rachel and Lucas watch from a distance, and they both agree to do the workout. Skills goes round to see Bevin, who has planned to watch the Notebook with him. Peyton and Mouth go to a nursing home and as they go in a room to see Mel, Mouth is addressed as Joe. As they get on well with the old racer, Peyton asks to sneak him out and Mouth is forced to agree.
On their double date, Chris is boring Brooke with his stories as he flirts with the different women on the beach. Haley takes them to the place they got married and finds out it has been built on, the couple are silently devastated. Karen and Deb are at the billboard where Karen almost chickens out, but Deb persuades her to help vandalize it. As they get up and start vandalizing it, they get too excited and Karen falls, knocking the ladder away from the platform. As Lucas and Rachel talk about Brooke, Lucas confesses she is the one and they play a game, every time one of them scores, the other must drink, which Rachel soon learns is a bad idea. Mouth and Peyton go go kart racing with Mel. Bevin persuades Skills to start watching the movie by kissing him and promising more. At the mall, Haley sits upset as she tells Brooke how bad her date is going. She goes up to Nathan and tries to get him to start paying attention to Haley, but Nathan says it is the same as her and Lucas, making her rethink the situation. At the same time, as they talk about Nathan, Chris tests to see if Nathan cares and puts him arm around her. As Nathan sees, he begins to threaten Chris. Brooke begins an argument with Haley who reveals that she knows about the letters addressed to Lucas. As they all storm out arguing, Brooke walks past Suburban Filth and sees her designs, in the window.
Back at the billboard, the moms realize they have left their phones and they can't shout at anyone because they can't get found out. Deb confesses she is scared of being alone, but Karen assures her she is not alone, she will be independent. Deb then has an idea, and tells Karen to take off her clothes. Peyton and Mouth are at the race course, as Peyton says Mel will remember this for a while, Mouth confesses he won't, as he has Alzheimer's disease. Skills is too into the movie to notice Bevin kissing him. Back at the apartment, Brooke and Chris have a celebratory drink and toast to Brooke's sketches. Meanwhile, outside, Nathan and Haley remember old times as Nathan says he still remembers there past, Haley prays for the rain he remembered when they first made love. Lucas and Rachel continue to play as Rachel offers strip basketball, but Lucas refuses due to Brooke. Rachel gets him to make a shot blindfolded, if Brooke is the one, he does so and scores. As he takes off the blindfold, he finds Rachel topless who continues to flirt with him. He gives her his shirt and tells her to get dressed. In the apartment, Brooke is drunk and reveals Lucas is the one for her, and still refuses Chris. He says that Nathan was the one for Haley and look what happened. Outside, Nathan tells Haley how he blames himself for her music. She tells him about how she realized she could never fill his void. At Bevin's, Skills is upset with the movie and has become really soft. At the billboard, Deb and Karen have stripped down and have tied all their clothes together to wrap it round the
ladder and drag it onto the billboard. As they are about to get down, Karen changes her mind. Deb eventually agrees and they rip down the sign saying 'Dan Scott is an ass.' Mouth and Peyton drop off Mel and as he leaves, he says the same thing he first said to Peyton who finds it hard to see him forget the whole amazing night he just spent. As Mouth walks Mel back, he asks Joe to make his son a good man, and Mouth assures him he will.
As Mouth gets back in the car, Peyton asks why he visits him, but Mouth says he will remember him and why should he have to die alone. Peyton then tells him how she sent Ellie away but as least Mel doesn't have to live with regrets like them. Mouth tells her that he also loses the good memories and that some people still have time to fix their regrets. Alone, finally, Haley brings Nathan up to the cafe roof where she shows him the prediction she made. Instead of reading it, Nathan writes his own prediction and tells her he has to trust her not to read it and Haley smiles happily at Nathan. Rachel drops Lucas off at Brooke's, and tries to persuade him that Brooke probably isn't the one. But Lucas remains adamant she is. At the rivercourt, Skills gets back and Junk and Fergie find out that Bevin notebooked him which Bevin confesses to her friend when alone. Haley is told by Nathan not to worry about the marriage scene gone with the purple flowers. He gives her one of the flowers and says 'Don't say I never gave you anything.' As she is filled with hope, Haley hugs her husband with happiness.
Lucas gets back to Brooke's apartment and walks into her room. He wakes her up and as she turns around, Chris Keller emerges from behind her, after sleeping with her. Lucas and Brooke look at each other in shock.
- "Hi, back-stabbing supposed-to-be-best-friend and all"
- "Hi, forgot to say good morning sneery, grouch a lot"
- "I am out of here, over possessive best friends with weird lesbian energy. And Haley"
- "I would rather kiss a puss-infected sore than ever go out with Chris.."
- "Well, well, my date's already dressed for bed. Looks like someone's a little horny for some Chris Keller"
- "Okay, two part question Nate. A: Why the hell haven't you beaten the stuffing out of Chris Keller yet so I can go home? and B: If you were just gonna ignore Haley all night, why did you come? Haley still loves you, all you have to do is take her back"
- "Right, kind of like with you and Lucas. You see, it's not so easy getting back in the ring, especially with the one that knocked you out in the first place"
- "I haven't forgotten about our past Haley. I know where we got married. I know this is where we made love in the rain. I still feel our past just like you do. I just though it might be nice to hang out in the present for a night. What are you thinking?"
- "Nothing. Just praying for rain"
- "You know the moment that I left the tour? We were playing this club in Illinois, and Chris decides to do a cover of the 80's song 'Missing You.' And everybody starts singing along. The crowd's loving it and they turn the house lights up and I could see every face out there and I fell apart. Onstage in front of 3,000 people, I lost it. I couldn't sing, I couldn't hear the music. Nothing. Cause that was the moment that I knew, that none of it would ever be enough without you. All of the celebrity, and all of the applause, and all the pretty melodies couldn't fill your void in my heart. So yeah, I guess you're right. It's not the life I would have had, cause ever since I met you, it has been so much more."
- "He deserves better. How long have you known him?"
- "All me life, he's my grandpa. He just doesn't remember. You know how he always calls me Joe? Well that's my dad's name. But they had a falling out and so I come to see him, instead."
- "Do you really think there's only one person in this entire planet that's right for you?...What about Peyton? I hear you once had the same feelings for her. Maybe she's the one. Or, being that we're still in high school, maybe you haven't met the one"
- "But I have, and she's in that apartment"
- "She notebooked you?"
- "He was really sweet. I totally notebooked him"
- "The roots are still there. Don't say I never gave you anything"
- "Lifting The Veil From The Braille" - The Dissociatives
- "Let It Fall" - Bosshouse
- "Good As Gold" - Bleach
- "Your Ghost" - The New Amsterdams
- "Tender" - Feeder
This episode's title originated from the song Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends, originally sung by Fall Out Boy.
- Dan, Whitey, and Keith do not appear in this episode.
- In the episode "You Call It Madness, But I Call It Love", Nathan reveals that the prediction he wrote said Haley and I will be together again by graduation
- Bevin and Skills watch The Notebook. Paul Johansson (who portrays Dan Scott) had a minor role in the film.